Picking and Choosing from the “Act Like a Man Box”

One of the difficulties that those of us who are looking to challenge the Act Like a Man Box (see my post The Performance of Masculinity for an explanation of that, if you aren’t familiar with it) is that the Box itself gets in the way. My observation is that’s because “believes in the Box” is inside the Box, so when a man starts to question it, the guys in the Box immediately perceive him to be outside it and dismiss anything he says about it.

On the other hand, I’ve also seen a lot of men who want to break out of the Box do so by rejecting everything inside it. I’ll come out of the closet here and admit that for a few years, I was a Sensitive New Age Guy. I never liked watching or talking about sports and I’ve always been more attuned to my feelings than most men seemed to be, so it was pretty easy to do. And what I eventually came to see is that by rejecting everything inside the Box, I was just as trapped as the men who were buying into it.

To oppose something is to maintain it.
-Ursula Le Guin

They had to do everything that was inside the Box. I couldn’t do anything that was inside the Box. They couldn’t show sadness or fear. I couldn’t show anger. They had to be aggressive. I became really passive. They had to make their needs come before other peoples’. I wouldn’t state my needs or desires, and I never let myself come first. And it was easy to do all of these things because many of the women in my life praised me for not being like “those men”. I got enough positive reinforcement that I didn’t see how I was holding myself back. And my understanding of these issues wasn’t nuanced enough to see how I had recreated the prison of the Box.

The most tricky thing about the Box is that nobody can ever be everything in it. Some men will never be able to meet some of the requirements. I’m 5’6″ (167 cm for those of you in a country that has a sensible measuring system). I’m never going to be tall, which immediately puts me outside the Box, and even when I was lifting weights four times a week, I got tone instead of bulk. And of course, men who are queer and/or transgender and people who are genderqueer can’t fit into the Box, even if they comply with all of the other requirements. Some of the other characteristics of the guy in the Box are achievable for some men, but only for a while. What happens to men who become disabled or who are too old for the Box? And some of the items in the box are contradictory. You can’t be a mechanic and a CEO. I’ve talked with men who are convinced they’re not Real Men because they aren’t rich and I’ve talked with men who are convinced they aren’t Real Men because they don’t work with their hands.

The Box is a game that you just can’t win. You might be able to for a while, but if you live long enough, you’ll find yourself on the outside sooner or later.

So I understand what prompts some men to reject everything inside the Box, but I don’t think that’s the way to go because not everything in the Box is inherently bad. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with being a caretaker unless it becomes controlling. There’s nothing wrong with being competitive until you start hurting others. There’s nothing wrong with liking sports or cars, or being muscular, or having multiple sexual partners, or being a leader, unless you’re doing it to perform masculinity rather than because it’s what you genuinely want to do. Performing masculinity tends to lead men to become controlling or abusive or hurtful to other people because the performance is more important than respecting other people and making room for their needs. And the problem is the performance rather than masculinity itself.

I think that the challenge is to figure out which ingredients of masculinity feed you and which hold you back. To decide which parts support you and which ones can you prune away. We don’t need to reject everything that’s in the Box, we need to reject the Box itself. And then we need to figure out which of the pieces are worth keeping and which ones we can get rid of.

In my observation, butch women, transgender men, and other non-cisgender-male folks who run masculine energy often move through this process with more ease and grace. I’ve talked with quite a few people about how they tried on the Box as part of their explorations of gender and identity, and how they learned how to pick and choose what felt authentic to them. It’s a very similar process to the one that cisgender men face, but without the years or decades of training and habit, it’s usually a much smoother journey. But the similarity highlights that it’s possible.

So how do we do it? I can think of a few parts of the process. These aren’t listed in order to priority and this isn’t a suggested sequence of steps. You can do as many of these at the same time as you have bandwidth for.

First, we can let go of the idea of gender being an either/or. And we can also let go of the idea that gender is a zero-sum game. You can have as many characteristics that are traditionally thought of as male as you like and you can have as many that are traditionally thought of as female as you want, without that coming into conflict. It isn’t as if you have to give up one in order to get the other. What if you could imagine having both? What if you could fix cars and bake cakes? What if you could enjoy sports and talk about your emotions? Gender isn’t a spectrum, it’s a buffet. And you can have as much of any of the dishes on it as you like.

Second, it’s important to find other people who are engaging in this work. My grandmother told me that we should give our time to the people who are like the person we want to be. I’ve found that to be really good advice. Most people are social creatures and we tend to shift how we act and (eventually) how we think and feel in response to the people around us. Building a community of people to support our explorations helps. That can be hard to do when you’re starting out because you might have some negative judgments about the men who are outside the Box. That’s part of the experience and all you can do is lean into your discomfort and explore it.

Third, learn how to identify and process your feelings. Boys and men have all of the same feelings and combinations of emotions that women do, but most of us didn’t learn how to talk about them. When little kids are taught colors, they learn red, yellow, blue. As they grow up, they might develop the ability to name different shades, like royal blue, sky blue, or robin’s egg blue. Similarly, children can learn to identify their feelings in some basic ways and then learn a more nuanced language as they grow up. But imagine if you never taught a child about the color blue. How could you expect them to be able to tell the difference between the different shades when it’s time to paint something? Isn’t that pretty much what happens to men who never learned how to talk about their feelings?

Learning how to make room for your emotions and how to talk about them takes practice. It takes time. And it’s easier with a little help. Whether you get that help from a book, or a therapist, or a men’s group, or somewhere else, you need someone to reflect things back to you, just as children need that from their parents/caretakers. As hard as it can be to learn how to do it, it’ll make your interpersonal relationships a lot easier. Plus, it’ll help you live longer. My one big suggestion is to not make your partner the only person who helps you with this. They certainly have a role to play and can be a major support, but you need more than that because relying only on your partner is almost guaranteed to stress your relationship out a lot. Plus, your relationship will inspire some of your emotions and your partner has a bias- they can’t help it. You deserve to get support from people who don’t have that bias.

Fourth, examine your internalized homophobia, sexism, and transphobia. Rigid gender roles are closely linked with them and learning to let go of gender essentialism and gender-based prejudices will go a long way to letting go of the Box. After all, the Box’s foundation is the idea that rigid gender roles are natural and that Real Men are better than everyone else. If you want to get rid of the box, you need to get rid of that, too.

As part of that, you’re going to need to learn about the very real privileges that come from being male, from being heterosexual, from being cisgender (assuming that you are, in fact, heterosexual and cisgender). You’re going to need to learn to recognize it, to make room for the effects it has on other people, and to try to let go of it as much as possible. Male privilege is the prize you get for being in the Box and you can’t get out of the Box when you’re trying to hold onto it. Listen to what women, queers, transgender and genderqueer folks have to say without trying to correct them. Learn to set aside your defensiveness and justifications so that you can hear their words. Thank them for taking the time to share their insights with you- they don’t owe it to you (believing that they do is another manifestation of privilege) so show some gratitude, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. And don’t expect them to be grateful that you gave them the opportunity. See above- they don’t owe it to you.

This step might be easier if you take a break from the overwhelmingly common images of the Box that we get from the media. When we’re constantly being reminded of what men are supposed to be, it’s harder to let go of the Box. That’s especially true when you’re starting out and don’t yet have the solidity that comes from experience. Try it and see if it works for you.

Fifth, learn new ways of being sexual. The guy in the Box is caught up in a very narrow view of what sex can be. One of the pleasures of breaking out of it is discovering how much more there is to sex. It’s as if you’ve been limited to just one flavor of ice cream (or maybe one flavor with some occasional toppings) and then finding out that there are dozens more. And it isn’t just different types of sex that you can experience when you aren’t worried about being outside of the Box. It’s also exploring what sex looks like when you aren’t trying to perform or to score. It’s about learning how to receive as well as give pleasure. It’s about letting go of thinking that all sex requires your penis and that your penis needs to be big and hard in order for sex to happen. And it might even be about trying types of sex that you think Real Men don’t do, like prostate play, erotic submission, or using vibrators. There are whole worlds of pleasure and sex that the Box doesn’t let you experience, and they’re waiting for you. Have fun!

Sixth, remember that this is a process. It took a long time for you to get to this point in your life and it’ll take a while to create new ways of moving through the world. Make room for that and it’ll go a lot more smoothly.

I don’t think that these are all of the pieces of the puzzle, but they are the first ones that come to my mind. If anyone has additional suggestions, feel free to comment below.

It’s easy to demonize and reject men and masculinity. But my experience is that our problems come from our relationships to masculinity rather than masculinity itself because there’s a lot of good stuff there, too. Learning to let go of the Box gives us the room to envision other ways to think of masculinity and to create new relationships to it. It gives us room to change the part it plays in our lives so that it can support us instead of crushing us. And it lets us recognize that masculinity has a lot to offer, no matter what your gender, sexual orientation, and gender expression happens to be.

14 Responses so far.

  1. Steel Mesh Hippo says:

    This article is great because it took a concept in the Performance of Masculinity article and expanded it, mainly you can’t be in the Box and do everything. You have to pick and choose.

    I think the next logical question is what do you choose? You made the comment that you should choose what feels right, but are there ways of being masculine that transcends what feels right to what is right?

  2. For someone who doesn’t believe in The Box you sure do talk about it a lot Charlie.

    I don’t believe in The Box either. Therefore why mention it at all? You are the one making it into a ‘thing’.

  3. Mars says:

    Quiet Riot Girl, recognising it’s there but choosing not to follow it are two different things.

    I think it’s more helpful TO put it out there and identify it than it is to pretend it isn’t there and ignore it. That’s what we’ve been doing all this time, and it’s never been helpful.

    I grew up for years around men who tried to one-up each other constantly, and when there was a guy I knew that didn’t quite fit in “The Box”, he was insulted with the words being gay, and tried their hardest to feminise him to make themselves look better. Not to mention amongst each other, they would compare their masculinity (bigger is better apparently). Not to mention that those were insulting both to gay men and women, and neither of us even knew it.

    I found this article so helpful to identify that there is something unidentified, but men are so led to believe in it that is harmful, not only to themselves but people around them. It goes back to what Charlie was saying, how can you express a shade of blue or emotion if you’ve never been taught the difference? With difficulty I suppose.

  4. Charlie says:

    I never said that I don’t believe in the Box, although you said that you don’t and I can't help but wonder why you feel the need to put words into my mouth.

    I believe that the Box is a useful metaphor for how masculinity is constructed, taught, and performed. I talk about it because I think it's harmful to the well-being of those who are forced to enact it and of those upon whom it is enacted. I talk about it because I believe that masculinity has the potential to be so much more than that. I talk about it because it's a tool for inspiring change, both in other people and myself. I talk about it and I teach workshops about it because if I don't, I make myself complicit in the perpetuation of the forms of masculinity that cause so much damage. And since this model resonates with so many people, I'm going to keep using it, developing it, and talking about it.

  5. Steel Mesh Hippo says:

    There is a phrase that I have come to live by: Please don’t accept me for who I am, but accept me for what I can become. I know I can be more that what our patriarchal society says I have to do to be a man. It’s hard sometimes not to play to the script of masculinity that glorifies violence and immaturity.

    Talking about the compulsory performance of violent and immature masculinity is what will make it go away.

  6. I am not putting words in your mouth Charlie I was referencing your last post where you said:

    ‘The difference, of course, is that I reject the entire notion of the Box.’

    I thought if you reject the notion of something it meant you don’t believe it exists.

    Sorry for misunderstanding. I am still confused though!

  7. Charlie says:

    Gotcha- I see where the miscommunication was. What I meant was that I refuse to live by the model of the Box, not that I think that the Box doesn’t exist. But then, there are a lot of things that I reject and refuse to live by, while also acknowledging that they exists. Religious proscriptions against sex, for example.

  8. Ok this post makes more sense in the light of that!

    Thanks for clarifying.

  9. Matt says:

    Charlie, this post and your previous post (The Perfromance of masculinity) have been really helpful for me.

    I’ve held a fair bit of contempt for the Box before I knew had heard it described that way, but these posts brought it together for me.

    If nothing else, it’s easier now to start converations with other men that I know about the Box. For all that these conversations are hard and awkward, I think it’s conversations about the Box with other men that will begin to transform masulinity into something…. better.

  10. A.P. says:

    This post is so important to me, because it it breaks down the pieces needed to transcend the box.

    It is comforting for me to find out, that I am working with most of these points already. My most difficult area is certainly finding other people engaging in this kind of work. Perhaps my issue here is, that I have implicitly assumed that I should find other heterosexual men transcending the box. I guess they are there, but honestly they don’t seem very visible.

    So I Kind of wonder how many straight men really try to transcend the box? Maybe I should be looking for allies in the LGBT area?

  11. Midnight says:

    I like the way you say gender isn’t a spectrum, it’s a buffet. And you can have as much of any of the dishes on it as you like. How do you think we could make other men see it.

  12. Dj says:

    I was referred here by a dominant female friend well I’d like to consider her one. Her blog helped me realized that there are actually women out there who would like me for me. I’ve never been the most dominant I was always shy and timid however im slowly coming out of my shell. So it was nice to finally realize I was sexy to women just not in the “box” mindset. Anyway the thing I like about being a “man” is the “I don’t give a fuck” mindset. Not letting people put you down and walking away from unnecessary conflict. not saying women can’t do that I mean its a buffet afterall :b but my “manliness” is my humbleness and the love I have for the ones who make me happy. It might be easier for me but I wish you luck in trying to attain freedom! PS. A fair warning about primal anger: my friend was definitely in the box and one night he gets so pissed he starts verbally insulting me I try and ask him what’s wrong and I sincerely wanted to help. He never said anything all he did was pace and grunt. He then stormed outside stayed out for 30 minutes. He came back in and said his hand hurt. He was in real pain so next day we went to the doctor. They took an xray and what do you know he broke his hand. Doctor asked how it happened my friend finally came clean he was so angry and raged filled he punch a stone benched. He had to have surgery where they put metal rods in to correct the bone. He got a cast and had to wear it non stop for 3 months. I still dunno his problem lol but one things for sure the “box” CAN hurt you and quite litterly. But again good luck to the men who are in this trap I believe in all of you.

  13. Dear Charlie Glickman- Just turned 63- got labeled a fag when I was 8- grew up in a mormom community. I’m an artist and always have been- and I didn’t care all that much for competitive sports- so I got tossed out of a box I didn’t know existed- because I never would have fit in it anyway. Figured out at 13 what a fag was- and that I wasn’t a heterosexual. Accepted it. Walked away from the religion at 15- and never looked back.

    At this point- I’m an internationally recognized award winning male fiber artist. I am completely comfortable with and in my male gendered form and I never was a fem. I’m also completely comfortable with my integrated feminine side- my creativity and my sensitivity- and I essentially- sew for a living. In my 30s I had to do a lot of self-healing work- and I’ll tell you flat out- I can’t stand sensitive new age guys. Why? Because I have access to all of my emotions- I know how they all work- I can express them freely- especially the dark and difficult ones. But I also can’t stand your patriarchal-heterosexist-masculine-idiot box guys. Oh well. Stuck in a stupid box- they are.

    Climbing out of hell in the late 1980s- a story too long for this moment- I became a healer- an energy channel- and a shaman- as well as a tarot reader- while writing poetry and continuing on my art path. Like I said- happily masculine- happily feminine integrated- happily awakened- happily 100% not/pro-creatively sexual. Succeeding financially on the art path continues to be difficult- so that does create an ongoing state of situational depression. Can’t seem to climb out of poverty. So I don’t much care how much longer I’m here- but whatever.

    I did this work your professing- decades ago. Without a college education. And for the most part- without any help. Interesting to see your take on it. You can see a lot of my work on my FB page. Or just google me- that will likely take you to a block of the poetry as well…


  14. http://www.towleroad.com/2016/09/ian-mckellen-explains-gay-men-masculine-straight-men/

    Hi Charlie Glickman- Odd- but I just finished reading your earlier article on the man box- then I went back to my FB page- to discover this article. Just thought I’d share. I’m sharing your 2 article links myself right now- as I’m writing about my gender experience.

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