Bad Sex in Fiction

via Neil Gaiman (

Anyone who has read smut knows that there’s a lot of bad sex in fiction. After all, it’s not easy to come up with a new way to describe something that has been written about so many times. But some examples are worse than others and if you want a fun read, check out the Guardian’s article The bad sex factor: extracts from the prize shortlist.

Here are a few snippets, to either whet your appetite or scare you away from the rest of the examples they collected.

“‘Baby.’ She took my head in both hands and guided it downward, between her fragrant thighs. ‘Yoni puja – pray, pray at my portal.’

“She was holding my head, murmuring ‘Pray,’ and I did so, beseeching her with my mouth and tongue, my licking a primitive form of language in a simple prayer. It had always worked before, a language she had taught me herself, the warm muffled tongue.” (from A Dead Hand: A Crime in Calcutta by Paul Theroux)

I came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg. (from The Kindly Ones by Jonathan Littell)

It felt to him as if he were tending a delicate weeping wound, and as he probed it with his tongue he heard her moan quietly. Excited by the oysterish intricacy of her he sucked and licked the salty folds until they became sweet, and slowly she arched her back to heighten the angle of provocation. As her gasps grew more urgent he glanced upwards and saw her face almost angrily flushed and straining, his mouth now breathing in the wetness of her until, with an agonised cry, she stiffened and shuddered down the length of her torso. (from The Rescue Man by Anthony Quinn)

And my personal favorite:

Then, Bobby starts scrabbling frantically across the carpet for Mr Condom, sending five or six multicolour Durexes flying through the air, and he struggles getting the packet open and Georgie has to roll Mr Condom down Mr Penis for him and she has to help insert him into Mrs Vagina. (from Ten Storey Love Song by Richard Milward)

You can find all of the entries here. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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