I’ve never really understood why so many people put (female) virginity on such a pedestal. Personally, I’d much rather know that my partner knows what they’re doing. When I get my car’s brakes checked, I prefer to have a mechanic with some experience. When I go to the doctor, knowing that they have years of experience in her profession gives me much more confidence. And when I have sex with someone, the fact that they’re skilled and practiced makes it much more fun.
I will admit that I do sometimes enjoy being someone’s first. The experience is sort of like being the first person to walk on fresh snow- there’s a certain pleasure that comes from taking the lead and helping someone discover a new way of enjoying sex. And I’ve always been of the opinion that we have plenty of virginities. Why limit it to penis/vagina intercourse? If you’ve never given someone a blowjob, or never been tied up, or never had sex with the lights on, or never tried pegging, those are all virginities you can explore and play with. It can be a lot of fun to help someone find out how much pleasure can be had from a new kind of sex.
Of course, for most people, virginity is about PV intercourse, and our individual and cultural relationships with the concept are both fascinating and tangled. I’m thrilled to see that Therese Shechter’s Kickstarter fund for How to Lose Your Virginity has met its goal. I met Therese at Momentum and we took a few minutes for a quickie interview. Check it out below. (Though I do have to say that I was on a lot of flu meds at the time. :-)) They need $1600 more in pledges in the next two days to get their funding. If you can help, please do.
Granted, much of the fetishization of virginity has to do with controlling women’s sexuality and reproduction. And unfortunately, that leads to all sorts of things like slut-shaming women who have “too many” partners, reinforcing stereotypes that enable sexual assault and outdated gender roles, and disrespecting women. It’s time to let go of all of that. It’s time to stop talking about virginity as if it’s something magical, or as if having sex makes one dirty. It’s time we talked about sexual experience as a positive thing. It’s time that we said that knowing what you like to do and how you like to do it makes you a more skilled lover.
As much fun as it can be to be someone’s first every now and then, give me a lover with skills and experience. That’s a much better time than being with a total noob. And since we all have things to try for the first time, it’s especially fun to introduce an experienced lover to something new. But then, I’ve always been about the both/and, especially when it comes to sex.