When Good Intentions Meet Bad Behavior

I recently posted Learning to Ask on Fetlife (one of the most widely-used social networking sites for the S&M scene), and it quickly received a lot of comments. Many of the folks who responded shared that they face a lot of challenges with asking for what they want, or that it took them plenty of […]

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I Had To Learn To Receive Before I Could Learn To Ask

I’ve been leaning into some edges lately and learning how to ask people for help. Specifically, asking people I don’t know well for things has been a difficult thing for me. It’s been coming up since I’ve been on tour for The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure because I’ve asked a few people I didn’t […]

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Shaming Boys and Coddling Men

I recently discovered a post that Yahsar All wrote last year about the ways in which men are often coddled around their emotions by the women in their lives. Rather than expecting guys to speak up about their feelings, to apologize when they need to, to express their needs and desires, many women will say […]

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When Men Say No To Sex

I recently got a text from a guy I know about a challenge he’s facing: How do you deal with turning down a woman you’re not interested in sex with? At first, this might seem like the answer is obvious. Just say no, right? But there’s a lot more to it than that and it’s […]

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Dealing With Rejection

I recently received this email about dealing with rejection. Since this is a common experience, the sender gave me permission to post this. I was wondering what your thoughts were on rejection. Not unavailability being mistaken for rejection, but actual rejection. While you can obviously chalk up some rejection to unavailability, there are often times […]

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“I’m Having A Shame Reaction”

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately. Ever since I left Good Vibrations, I’ve been leaning into some pretty intense edges and figuring out how to make some things happen that I’ve wanted to be able to do for a while. It’s been fascinating and fun, and just scary enough to […]

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What Revenge Porn Tells Us About Sex and Humiliation

I’m always intrigued by the many ways that sex and shame intertwine in our culture, and “revenge porn” says a lot about that. Revenge porn sites, if you aren’t familiar with them, are designed for men who want to upload sexy photos of their ex-girlfriends and lovers without permission. One of the most common scenarios […]

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